"Struggle I must, my inner suffering is life

for my inner pain gives me enough strength to write."

-The Depths of My Soul, 'I Am The Observer, a Lonely Soul Am I' 

I've been asked many times about the cryptic words of the Observer on the last page of my first book, The Depths of My Soul. In "A Lonely Soul Am I", the Observer conveys the dark feelings of loneliness, something I've had to deal with for a long time now. Although my life has changed as far as how I'm viewed by the general public, it doesn't mean my feelings of self or of the world change automatically. The Observer in this piece is only expressing his thoughts on paper about how lost he is when he’s alone. Even the greatest writers and poets have had to deal with the emptiness during the rough periods in their lives. Shakespeare, Hemingway, and even our modern 21st Century writers had to endure. Their words are defined by the amount of suffering they received.               

Case in point: there is a scene near the end of the Five Heartbeats where Donald or  ‘Duck’, the writer of songs for the group receives an award. In his acceptance speech, Donald mentions he once heard someone telling him he’ll be a great writer ‘when he has suffered enough’. The truth is, one cannot be great without hardship. Greatness isn’t based on how many awards, sports championships, or political victories won. It’s determined by the willingness to suffer for a cause, a dream, anything you desire out of life that’s just and true, then having the courage to persevere throughout the hardship. That’s what greatness is.               

A great person is one who anticipates suffering will occur at some point in his or her life. They embrace shortcomings, because he or she knows it won’t last forever. The true catharsis is the release of talent, of insight and kept deep within the bowels of your mind. This is not to say the Observer is great, at least on what we measure it by. He is on that journey towards greatness. It doesn’t matter what his station in life shall be; he knows at the end of the journey, his reward will be tenfold.               

When you hear change is something we can believe in, I’m sold. Not merely because of the person behind the slogan but of what’s been going on in my life for the past few months now.

Recently, I took a bold move in these harsh economic times and quit my job. There are a number of reasons why I did, but mainly I felt I wasn’t getting any healthier and there are opportunities I felt were waiting for me if I happened to take the leap. Well, I did and although I left behind a great staff, friends on the commute and at work, as well as great pay, I know I made the right decision. Maybe you reading this have a different opinion but for me personally, it was a move I felt had to be made.

It’s hard, especially these days where homes are going into foreclosure and the price of just about everything is climbing and food is contaminated. It’s hard to make a move like the one I just made and continue to smile and keep your head up. It sounds impossible but then again, this is the stuff the best selling self-help books are made of. The writers encourage you to go out, take risks, do what you love, do what you feel, have faith, persevere through the rough moments of your life, all that good stuff. No matter what these books tell you, they never inform you on the true secret within them; that you’re going to struggle and when you do, you feel worse than before you left your cushy (but very exhausting) job.

I am reminded of examples of present best-selling authors who at one time or another also quit their jobs to focus more on their craft. My time off has been a huge benefit right now as I’m working on quite a few projects I wouldn’t have the time to do even when I had down time at work. So in one case, this is an absolute blessing in terms of my unfinished stories and books. The down side; the present economy and the fact it may not improve for a long, long time. I imagine this is when you notice your measure of faith and how much should you spend before doubt takes over.

On the other hand, writing is and will always be, a part of me. I see opportunity where I am today and where I’ll end up whether it be physical location or artistic endeavor. I’m watching my contemporaries evolving from their literary beginnings into media stars or heads of companies. I’m a bit older these days and I don’t want to ask the question that would surely haunt me had I stayed in my comfort zone reaping the benefits of a steady job but not moving ahead as far as my personal goals:

“What if?”

Nobody wants to leave this earth asking that question. I know I sure don’t and I hope you reading this don’t either. However, there is that price you have to pay to ensure your dreams come true. Right now, I know what I’m up against and how hard I have to work to reach my goals. I’m not disappointed, only more determined to make sure I succeed. That’s the stuff all the self-help books are made of, right?

I never thought that day would come myself, but it arrived and now I have to make the best of my life with what I have. The Creator blessed me with a ton of capital and now I have to spend it. It’s only fair and about time. There is a new dawn rising in my life and the journey continues, just not in a familiar place.